“Get a real job”. “You should stay in school”. “Maybe you should have a plan B, you need something to fall back on”. All things I used to hear way too often. I wish I did. But I’ve never been able to be or do anything other than music. Mentally and physically, I couldn't. I’ve always been a quitter. That doesn’t seem like a great thing to admit, but it’s true. I quit high school, I couldn’t stand the place and I really don’t know how I managed to make it until year 10 to get my certificate. I went and got a job at McDonalds, quit after 3 days, or not even. I floundered for a while, even tried to go back to school again. Quit that too. I’ve always been shy, so if I did something wrong, messed up, didn’t know how to do something, got spoken to or even looked at in a challenging way, I pretty much fell to pieces. I was a shy thing. Looking back you could say I was an anxious child, I guess I still am.
I’ve been musically inclined for as long as I can remember. I’d always been a part of the choir, and played clarinet in the school band (quit that), then in high school I tried to take up saxophone (quit that too). We started having some lessons on guitar in music class and there was a girl called Faith who played and wrote her own songs, she had a beautiful voice. I wanted to be able to do what she did. This was around the same time I discovered Kasey Chambers, and I had already been getting into singer-songwriters, mostly Jewel. I got my own shiny red fender electric guitar soon after and started taking lessons. I eventually quit those and tried to teach myself from then on and started writing songs, an extension of the overly dramatic angst-ridden poetry I had been writing for a while. These are things I have never quit. Sure I’ve had times when I wasn’t inspired or needed a break, but making music is the constant in my life.
(Photography: Lyn Taylor)
I eventually went to Uni to do this bridging course that was kind of an equivalent to the Higher School Certificate. Now it appeared I was making progress. I did finish it at least, as well as certificates in Business Administration and Music Industry. Then I decided I was going to become a scientist. A Marine Biologist or some other kind of Environmental Scientist. I realised that you had to have some kind of basic understanding of maths and the principles of biology and chemistry, and as interested as I was/am in these subjects as an adult, I never paid much attention in school and struggled quite a bit. So after a couple of weeks, I quit that.
Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could do anything else (other than music) for too long. It’s as painfully unnerving as it is reassuring, a paradox I suppose. I have interests, of course. Make-up is one, but I decided I’m not as patient as a make-up artist needs to be with their often-difficult clients. I like not having anyone to answer to. I’ve tried all different kinds of jobs, and always end up having to quit those pretty quickly due to the overwhelming feeling of despair, depression, and the inevitable existential crisis that comes along with a ‘real’ job’ for me. I’ve been lucky to have an extremely supportive family to help me out, and a husband who has also been a constant for the last 10 or so years (I guess that’s another thing I haven’t quit).
As well as as being a quitter, and possibly my behavioural patterns are due to this, I have suffered with anxiety and depression for more than half of my life. I can’t go into that story without writing a novel. Maybe I will, maybe I’ll quit that too. Whatever happens, It’s all part of the journey. The way I see it, I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s just the way I’m doing it, and every choice, every seemingly disastrous mistake, has led me to where I am now. It’s not an easy path, but I see no other.
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